Rejection is one of the hardest emotions to deal with. Not only does it feel like betrayal, it often involves real betrayal — and with it the loss of Trust.
To then find yourself Single is nothing short of an offence against the soul; A slap in the face of everything you thought you stood for; and a punishing combination of denial and cruel self-analysis.
Filled with judgements and justifications, nothing escapes attention. From here we descend through negative spirals of blaming ourselves — it must be our fault, right?
“Rejection – and the fear of rejection – is the biggest impediment we face to choosing ourselves.”James Altucher
Reality is that rejection is rarely about YOU, even though it does not feel that way right now.
But the consequences hurt us, all the same. And with hurt comes a need to shut down, close the doors and withdraw into ourselves. When we do that, the depression starts and with it, the anxiety.
There are a number of things which we can do to help improve our outcomes. However, nothing can make the process of healing go quickly. For that reason, so many people find themselves rebounding (or getting into) new relationships applying the theory that — the best way to get over someone, is to get underneath someone else!
Unfortunately, all that does is mask healing. The emotions have not gone away. Those feelings which were hurt by parting with a significant other, lurk under the surface. And they WILL resurface.
So, ignoring those feelings will eventually cause greater anxiety and prolonged low moods.
Better that you –
- Let go
- Move on
“If you live for someone else’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection”.Lecrae
I want to create a connection in your mind between suffering rejection and a loss of your identity.
You see, to function well as adults, it is important to recognise the various elements which, combined, help us to define who we are.
I consider that we are (each) made up of five principal identities —
- The individual
- The worker
- The friend
- The partner
- The parent
Relationships and parenting interfere with these separate parts of ourselves and, through time, they all become blurred into one — Parent/Partner or Parent/Partner/Worker. Read more about this here.
Rejection is a good time for some self-reflection. While it seems to be nothing if not extremely negative, that is transitional — it will pass. Eventually. And you, believe it or not, are entirely in control of that timeline.
Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you!
Time to do some ‘self’ work. Time being the operative word.
Healing of any kind takes time. So take a pause from the pressure to feel ‘sorted’ and allow yourself as much time as you need to listen to your feelings, process your sense of loss, grieve — and to let go.
Time is a remarkable commodity. Take full advantage of it. You do not need to conform to anyone else’s expectations of when you should feel ready to embrace your future. There is no need to rush — anything!
I always recommend starting a ‘Feelings Journal’. Think of it like a secret diary. Only you get to write in it. And only YOU get to read it and reflect upon the contents.
Simply jot down what feelings you have. One or two words work best (Loss, Emptiness, Happy, Numb, Sad, Lonely, Fear etc.). This is NOT a critique of your emotions. No justification (none) is required for why the feeling exists. Know that it is there and it wants you to acknowledge it.
When we can acknowledge our feelings without diminishing them or judging either the emotion or ourselves for having that feeling, that is the beginning of healing.
Acknowledgement is a way of letting a feeling be heard and released.
If you’re rejected, ACCEPT. If you feel unloved, LET GO. If they choose someone or something over you, MOVE ON. And remember this–In every NO from someone, is a YES from someone better!
Fresh air and exercise is really important for improving low moods and anxiety. Try to find 30-60 minutes every day and get out of your home. Expand your horizons with a change of scenery. Treat yourself along the way. Visit a coffee shop or buy yourself a little something. You deserve to be kind to yourself.
The life that you had before, you can have again — and more.
Never be afraid to be alone with your own thoughts and feelings.
Can you recognise that there was a time when you were not afraid?
So what changed? What changed was you forgot to be YOU — The Individual.
The more you reconnect with yourself; The more you assert your rights as an individual; The easier you will find it to move from sadness into happiness. This is all part of the transition.
Along the way you will go through Loss, loneliness, emptiness and into anger and frustration. Frustration is definition of change waiting to happen. Because you are in control of your journey. You always were. And you always will be.
Be Okay with this. When you feel ready, you will resume parts of your life that bring with it a sense of purpose, fulfilment and satisfaction. Nobody else can provide those to you — they can only enhance what you already feel.
The Power is within you — So take back your Power!
The laws of attraction show us that the people that we interact with, only serve to act as mirrors of how we feel about ourselves. So it follows that if we feel low and depressed and unlovable, then we will limit what we are open to receive.
For this reason, it is never healthy to withdraw. Sure, everyone needs moments to privately reflect and deal with our emotions. However compartmentalise these moments. Do not let them take over and control and direct you.
If you need a day to feel sad, take it. Say to yourself — I take this day to feel sad and to mourn what I feel I have lost.
But limit yourself so that you can also prioritise some time for you, where you can distract yourself, and do something that helps you to feel uplifted.
Everyones’ healing time is different. And that is okay, also.
Healing comes from taking responsibility to realise that it is you -and nobody else but you- that creates your thoughts, feelings and actions.
You are only unlovable — if you want to be unlovable.
You are lonely — only if you want to be lonely.
You are lost — only until you realise that you were with YOU all of this time.
When you can resonate with your inner self and your own feelings and emotions, then you will have liberation from your insecurities and anxieties.
- Give yourself time
- Stop any self-judgement
- Start a Feelings Journal
- Acknowledge your feelings
- Let go
- Move on
- Take back your Power
- Re-establish your own identity
- Then separate your other roles and identities
- Do not be afraid to live your life
- Always remember that you can only receive what you reflect about yourself
- Embrace the Journey you are on and enjoy the discovery
- Create your future happiness — your way!